About | This Is Hbomb

WELCOME TO MY WORLD

WEBSITE CHANGES UNDERWAY

Here you will find my many ways of coping with the main issues affecting my life. To come straight out and get to the point; my most problematic diagnosis are Compelx PTSD, PTSD, (they are 2 different disorders for those of you who did not know), Anxiety, hEDS, Fibromyalgia and living in a high stress environment. Many things I am also going through are child to parent abuse, multifaceted grief, legal complications, disability complications, ongoing long-term harassment, constantly having to prove EVERYTHING is completely true - I am now an evidence hoarder, a traffic jam of untouched layered priorities, and many other issues that come with the territory. I am coming up with NEW ways to use my website to cope without journaling in the same format each day. I am going to start streaming, using other socials and trying to come out of my shell more. At this point, I have not started streaming yet but I will get the courage soon and update this when I do!

The Blog: What, Why, How is it going?

For the last 3 years and counting “This is HBomb” was my place to journal safely. I could not vent on social media like everyone else, I was being stalked, harassed, gossiped about and more. Leaving an abuser behind completely is something many don't get to accomplish, it is extremely difficult, especially with the 3rd and 4th party contacts that will not understand, nor go away - social media and apps makes harassment easy for people who are so inclined. There was no safe place for a person like me to vent, so I formed this small site back in 2022 when both of my children and I were smack dab in the middle of what I can only describe as completely awful reactive trauma, a crisis explosion. Unfortunate, old abuse forming new abuse in a cycle. When I made this page my reality was very different than it is now. I needed a more confidential place than open forums to vent and speak about the sensitive things going on. I committed myself to documenting my journey of learning to embrace the many changes that have come from the challenges my family and I faced at that time, using this site.

Trying to tidy up my lifetime of trauma, attain contentment, and learning what true happiness IS has been remarkable. Obviously, I have had a lot to say in the writings, videos, and photos. I divulge many emotions, my innermost fears, work through quandary, vent in anger, and try my hardest to adapt to my ever-changing surroundings. I have noticed that I can be offensive with my rants at times, ignorant even, learning about my faults is part of it. None of us can be perfect, obviously. In these journals I touch on many challenging, and some would say triggering, facets of living with mental illnesses and physical disabilities. Some of the recurring topics and factors in my life are listed below. It is lengthy, please bear with me!

The vast majority of my life has not been one of love, ease or generosity. Coming out of the abuse from my past has guided my entire being. In the last few years I have been changing so rapidly I cannot keep up with myself. I used to sometimes read a bit from a few months back in the blog and could not recognize how I was so naive about little things. Self discovery throughout this process has been wild. I am not a therapist, life coach or mentor. I am merely a creature formed by my environment, often swimming against the current. I have an inordinate understanding of hardship, struggling to find a healthy way forward. I am asked daily, “how do you do it?” I literally have to read about it to answer that because I truly cannot say “how”, only that I just juggernaut through as hard as I can.

Below, the "key points" listed can be taken as an elaborate trigger warnings criteria.

Key points of relevance include but are not limited to: living in a state of hypervigilance, not having control over my life, living in unstable home environments, cohabitating and clashing between family with mental illness, grief and loss, irrational & rational fears, real dissociative episodes, death threats, familial violence, medical emergencies, hospitalization, legal matters, frustration with the system, issues with medical professionals and mental health facilities, emotional reactivity to physical incompetence, losing independence while trying to maintain life, reclusiveness/avoidance, body dysmorphia/insecurity, suffering from irrational guilt and depression, personality disorder, guilt and shame from needing to over rely on others, interfamilial abuse, parenting children with mental illness who are frequently immersed in situations with the state/law enforcement/attorneys/hospitals/bullies/school problems, failing memory, neurological issues, CPTSD/PTSD, hEDS, Fibromyalgia, chronic pain, seizures, early onset menopause, medication intolerance, overdose effects, suicide related issues, recognizing when the professionals need to be replaced, stress beyond belief, and as you can imagine... more.

What do I want out of this and what have I gotten so far?

I have been learning to be comfortable with building healthy relationships, adapting with coping skills, speaking up when I have the urge to run away, letting go of toxic situations, setting positive boundaries, finding physical and mental therapy models that actually work, learning how to accept love, getting into different therapy styles to have a healthier home environment, weaning off 20 years of benzodiazepine treatment, realizing it is not worth being off the meds, working on my memory, becoming confident and appreciating myself.

Through this journey of healing and self-discovery I am learning a lot about my physical and mental health. I am finding ways to feel productive while dealing with an odd set of disabilities, this is a goal I’ve set and accomplished with this page. Adaptation of old hobbies/coping skills to new modification of my life and physical being. I felt my past influences had watered me down and even caused me to be an unauthentic version of myself, it formed a "Me" that I did not want to be anymore.

What it boils down to.

Starting the blog was a great decision, the commitment I have made to this journal is a brand new success for me as well as the start to healing myself. It has helped in a unique way. I feel supported here, more confident and I have gotten some great feedback. I have made some amazing long-term friends who know me on a level no one else does! I know that my situations can be extremely overwhelming and “out there”, this can be very emotional to experience. My hope was that this could also help someone else who may need to know they are not alone, that it is possible to live with and get through these situations. I have gone through many changes during this sites lifespan. I am close to my mid 40’s and I am finally learning how to grow up. I am also FINALLY learning what happiness is like and how to accept it in my life. If one has never known true happiness it is not easy to accept or live with it.. at least not for me. I know I cannot be the only one experiencing a clogged funnel of serious life issues impacting their ability to grow.

I originally said in my very first draft of this page, “This site is a eulogy to who I was and a tribute to who I am becoming, evolving with me as I explore.” I was clueless at how much harder things would get and the types of sacrifices I would have to make to belong to myself for the first time ever. This is not over, it is not getting easier, merely changing shape. I know that my lifespan could never be long enough to work through the amount of damage that has been done to me. I accept that I will have certain symptoms that will never go away. I know there is a way to accept it and live with it. I aim to keep chipping away at this burden and have a nice life.

Thank you for your time and interest!