Here you will find my personal journals for the last 3 years and counting. “This is HBomb” was formed back in 2022 when both of my children and I were in the middle of a severe life change. When I made this page my reality was very different than it is now. I have dedicated myself to documenting my journey of learning to embrace the many changes that have come from the challenges my family and I face.

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Trying to clean up my lifetime of trauma and attain contentment, learning what true happiness is has been remarkable. Obviously, I have had a lot to say in these writings, videos, and photos. I divulge many emotions, my innermost fears, work through quandary, vent in anger, and try my hardest to adapt to my ever-changing surroundings. I have noticed that I can be offensive with my rants at times, learning about my faults is part of it. None of us can be perfect.

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The vast majority of my life has not been one of love, ease or generosity. Coming out of the abuse from my past has guided my entire being. I have been changing so rapidly I cannot keep up with myself. Sometimes I read a bit from a few months back and I don’t fully recognize how I was so naive about little things. I am not a therapist, life coach or mentor. I am merely a creature formed by my environment, often swimming against the current. I have an inordinate understanding of hardship, struggling to find a healthy way forward. I am asked daily, “how do you do it?” I literally have to read about it to answer that because I truly cannot say “how”, only that I just juggernaut through as hard as I can.

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In these journals I touch on many challenging, and some would say triggering, facets of living with mental illnesses and physical disabilities. Some of the recurring topics and factors in my life are listed below. It is lengthy, please bear with me!

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Key points include but are not limited to: living in a state of hypervigilance, not having control over my life, living in unstable home environments, cohabitating and clashing between family with mental illness, grief and loss, irrational fears, real dissociative episodes, familial violence, medical emergencies, hospitalization, legal matters, frustration with the system, issues with medical professionals and facilities, emotional reactivity to physical incompetence, losing independence while trying to maintain life, reclusiveness/avoidance, body dysmorphia/insecurity, suffering from irrational guilt and depression, personality disorder, guilt and shame from needing to over rely on others, interfamilial abuse, parenting children with mental illness who are frequently immersed in situations with the state/law enforcement/attorneys/hospitals/bullies/school problems, failing memory, neurological issues, CPTSD/PTSD, hEDS, Fibromyalgia, chronic pain, seizures, early onset menopause, medication intolerance, overdose effects, suicide related issues, recognizing when the professionals need to be replaced.

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As well as: learning to build healthy relationships, adapting with coping skills, speaking up when I have the urge to run away, letting go of toxic situations, setting positive boundaries, finding physical and mental therapy models that actually work, learning how to accept love, getting into different therapy styles to have a healthier home environment, weaning off 20 years of benzodiazepine treatment, working on my memory, becoming confident and appreciating myself.

 

Through this journey of healing and self-discovery I am learning a lot about my physical and mental health. I am finding ways to feel productive for my family while dealing with an odd set of disabilities, this is a goal I’ve set and accomplished with this page. Adaptation of old hobbies/coping skills to new modification of my life and physical being. I felt my past influences had watered me down and even caused me to be an unauthentic version of myself. It was a fact! I have found the core I needed to see, fully exposed.

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Starting this blog was a great decision, the commitment I have made to this journal is a new success for me and part of my healing journey. It is helping in a unique way, I feel very good about it, and I have gotten some great feedback. I have made some amazing long-term friends who know me on a level no one else does! I know that my situations can be extremely overwhelming and “out there”, this can be very emotional to experience. My hope is that this can help someone else understand what it is like to live with these situations. I have gone through many changes during this blog, I am close to my mid 40’s and I am finally learning how to grow up. I am also FINALLY learning what happiness is like and how to accept it in my life. If one has never known true happiness it is not easy to accept or live with it.. at least not for me. I know I cannot be the only one experiencing a clogged funnel of serious life issues impacting their ability to grow.

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I originally said, “This site is a eulogy to who I was and a tribute to who I am becoming, evolving with me as I explore.”, I feel this still rings true! I wanted to “euthanize my victimization”. I know now that it is not shameful or demeaning to admit that I was victimized. I am learning a lot. I’m feeling better because of it and there is only more to come!

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Thank you for your time and interest!

 

​​H.

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