top of page
Search

"Free Post - Public Post" I am not dead, I just created more boundaries - but I simultaneously opened doors




Hello, to those who care to read this lengthy text. I figured it was time for a public update. I will post it here and on the spaces announcements (maybe). And I swear I am not pissed off while writing this. I understand some of it could come across as angry, but I am pretty desensitized to a lot of things I am touching on. It is mostly just information at this point.


I don't make publicly viewed posts often on my blog, I thought about it but, ehhh. Things in my life are too fragile to take chances with who may be stalking my personal life for malicious intent. I do have a lot of past predatory humans in my life. I tend to take a protective stance when confronted with shit these days. My OLD life WAS filled with: abusers, crass asses, one-uppers, unreliables, talebearers with little substance, and depthless, avaricious soulsuckers! I have found most of my PAST contacts were NOT friends, they were lessons! MOST relationships have been snuffed out - and I am still trying to weed through who is authentic and who is an imposter. I have no room for disingenuous and duplicitous people in my orbit! Thankfully, there are still some truly beautiful souls around us! I have done too much work making a healthy path for my little household to allow anyone to waltz over and throw their cancer all over it! I DO NOT CARE WHO OR WHAT YOU WERE TO ME - NO EXCEPTIONS - NO TOXICITY WILL BE TOLERATED OR ACCEPTED! IF YOU HAVE ANY DEALINGS WITH OUR ABUSERS - STAY - THE - ABSOLUTE - FUCK - AWAY!


Now that I got that explanation out of the way, here is more! I am just going to empty my brain, no real order of operations, just brain dump.


I really do hope the friends and acquaintances I do not hear from are in good health and not struggling. I understand we all have a lot going on. We all cannot be expected to perpetually keep close contact. I also understand that using email, text, and phone is "hard" for many. I have too much happening so often that I cannot find time to have a conversation some days. Just saying hello and understanding we only have time to acknowledge wellbeing, major issues, and highlights can go a very long way. All of my friends that communicate with me end up seeing this is how I must operate. There are too many devices in my hands during the day - I don't always have the time to talk or type while doing the 3 or 4 other things I am doing. I often have to split up my devices for their different functions to allow me to multitask.


Some people really are busy and dont use it as an excuse. Ahh.. I am riddled with these racing thoughts. It's too much some days.


I was literally just thinking, I should not sound so ungrateful about being inundated with tasks, there are things that are excruciating happening with/in/around me. Things that a parent should never feel because it is so hurtful you cannot put it into words. This lingering feeling is like a storm that touches lightening down to start a random fire. The depression, turned to anger. Then internal noise. The distraction of being dragged under the train... hitting the tracks, being shredded. That is the way my life feels quite often. So much for comfort. I am still very hypervigilant.


My blog readers know better than 98% of people the TRUE amount of shit I deal with. The proof is in the pages.... and there are a fucking lot of them.


I have questions about some though, some people are oddly eager to know me and then NOTHING. I have been wondering if using a phone the way it was initially intended is so dramatically difficult, that "ghosting" people is easier???... (huge shoulder shrug on that one)! OR is it just me?? I think it may have been a simple "out" for the ones who chose to exit my life (not the ones I left behind by choice). I feel like some people enjoyed the occasional dose of "train wreck" and that is why we had minor contact which consisted mostly of "trauma dumping". Like choosing to watch a horror movie and be sickened for a couple hours - then leaving it behind and going about your life. I cannot help but wonder.. in those equidistant times, you know the ones right? While falling asleep, showering, walking to do a task, in the "in between"- the diminutive time when my brain is not on a specific set of tasks AND I am lucid. I am not sure what to think of these types and how to recognize them.


Some things are making more sense though, I have developed a bit of hatred for the old platforms I was using. FB messenger became a main way to communicate with a lot of people and now real phones are too difficult to navigate. Using words for communication and not GIFs, memes, forwards IS SOOOO HARRRRD!!!! LOL. . . my sarcasm is THICK AS FUCK right now. BUT FOR REAL - I honestly DO get it. It is fun and people like the content. I used to be engulfed in IG and FB too. It has a crazy intense flow of deeply mood baiting content, and we react!!! It's design is maddening with what it does to the brain- you have zero control, but have no clue because it is made to make you think it is preferential! Would I knowingly say yes to a rapid, cyclic dose of: "happy, sad, angry, embarrassed, horrified, happy, mortified, devastated, impressed, let down, wishful, hopeless, guided, roadblocked, misled, excited, nasty, victimized, done, inspired, KITTENS, torture, injustice, ETC"? NO, that is the answer. It is nasty like a nicotine addiction! I think about how many times I missed out on things because I chose to be alone smoking a cigarette or scrolling rather than spending time in person with people I cared about... how much time did I ignore my loved ones who are dead so I could indulge in a smoke or scroll on my phone - it literally makes me sick! I would give up so much to have that time back with them. Reflection is ugly, but crucial for growth! What's done is done - we can't EVER get that time back. I set my phone down as much as society allows!


My phones significance to me has changed dramatically in conjunction with understanding its necessity. What a grim cognizance!! What does one do when their greatest enemy is necessary to survive? Reminiscent of Nietzsche. . . yes... That isn't a question.


I want to scream! I seem to feel that way quite a lot - this has not changed, though I would like it to. I need peace. I have been clawing my way to it with violent perseverance! It has to be attainable. I refuse to think this is all for nothing. I do try to suppress my pessimism.


It was vital I analyze my self care boundaries for better life results. One day I thought I would stay offline to see if it helped my unhealthy stress levels. Doing this showed me that it helped, so I stayed off the next day, and the next. After a few days of consistently feeling significantly LESS stress than the day prior, I had to make an assessment. I had a huge wake up call as to the energy I was putting forth to please others, I was STILL engaging in massive amounts of "people pleasing" behavior, THIS HAD TO END!!!! At that point, things changed dramatically within me! Now, the mere mention of my FB and IG pages makes my anxiety spike.. thinking about using marketplace on FB or looking at art on IG is still impossible without wallowing in quandary and worriment. I realized that some of my despondence has become rooted in these two social medias. I never really took to tiktok, snapchat or old school twitter. I was not sure how to continue with my online work - on some level "socials" are needed for the work I am forced to do.


AND YES, I SAY "FORCED" - BECAUSE THE CHOICE IS, TO DO WHAT I DO, OR NOTHING! "Nothing" means I give up everything and give up on everyone I love... lay down and fucking die. I REFUSE! If anyone knows me - they know one thing I am good at is surviving insane shit, because I am stubborn, I am the inexorable force that doesn't die! I endure, absorb, process, reinforce, then PUSH THROUGH like death! This is the only way I can explain how I have survived what MY life throws at me. THIS IS WHO I MUST BE! Until nature says I cannot anymore.


Onward with what I was saying! There are very few money making options for disabled people who don't qualify for assistance, nor is there sufficient advocates! Therefore, advertising is essential, I now I have switched to using "X". I have a page for my erotic art side and a page for my serious side. I don't have over 40K followers on "X" like I used to on IG, it is a very different environment - I def don't have the advertising reach and I don't see the beautiful photography and artworks my IG showed me. BUT those things I loved did not outweigh the major stressors. I never felt safe. I was consistently harassed. It was an exposed main vein to my life. I did not plan to never get back on those platforms again, and ditch everyone I knew on them, it just happened. I deleted the apps off my phone. They are still there according to the people who got worried and checked on me. My linktree and email is on my pages. . . it seems some people have found it. So yeah.... that is what has been happening in that region. I inadvertently made it up to anyone who wants to experience me, to seek me out.


Then there is my issues with feeling self-important. I am only one fucking person, and I am 42. Did you know the statistical death rate of women in my age group is 170.7 per 100k. AGAIN.. I am one fucking person.... who is trying to help another person grow up the best I can. And that last part is what drives me, makes me want to grip that self importance because she needs someone fierce. BUT - This all feels miniscule compared to what is happening in the whole world.. the whole world is in danger and people are still doing their thing. What else do we do right? Just keep going.


The world has been changing so dramatically before our eyes. In turn this has changed much detail in our own little universes! My personal opinion, this was all happening while people were "distracted" by their own lives, along with help from all of the medias interferences/diversions! That is what the media (including social media) is truly here for, is it not? To manipulate and gaslight the masses, at the order of our governments or highest bidders! Loads of humans were argumentative, speculative, and accusatory; calling many of us "conspiracy theorists". Those humans are now struggling while choking on their words- I am sure it is mostly cowardice. Fear tends to do crazy things to us. Those humans who aren't heavily accustomed to trauma and unbelievable situations are usually the ones who are too afraid to be able to grasp the truth. It is just how they are wired - some have no true experience so they cannot wrap their minds around certain things.


But now, WELL, it is undeniable that the world and reality as we know it has changed and will not change back- isn't it! Funny how the shit hits the fan and the majority is actually surprised. New ways of life are set in motion and no one truly knows where the Hell this will all place us. We are all hanging onto pendulums swinging at the same time - will we collide, will we tangle, will we miraculously live to see it rest? "Energy is dissipated due to air friction" - that's what they say in the kids homework!! That is how it stops.


It is enough to turn the most stable people to tilt off their skilled balance! I am actually astounded by the amount of shock in the masses! Of course there are always some in obvious denial - the delusional people population never fails to come out of the sewers when its convenient for them. I am still like WOW! Were THIS MANY peoples heads truly in the sand THIS DEEP, or is it purely fearful denial!? There is no way this many people were "distracted". I can understand a grip of them would be - especially with social media culture. These days the internet seems to be more important to people than reality. Family values have changed, traditions are being washed out, morals and ethics are becoming an archaic credo. As I see things; inherent goodness, c0mmon decency, virtue, grace, kindness, and most of all INTEGRITY, is draining from the worlds heart! It has been sad... even when most didn't notice - still sad! The fact that no one noticed .. SAD!


Disregard the worldly issues and I STILL understand it is very hard to keep up with people. And not because of a lack of avenues, but a lack of time, personal space, and mental capacity. For me, the unwavering stressors of being sidelined with situations beyond my control, it is staggering.


I would love to be able to leave my phone in my house, go hang with my daughter and have no reason to worry that I will come back to see something horrible was happening and needed my attention RIGHT NOW- yet I was not there, which means consequences will be owed BY ME. I usually am the one to pay for the consequences when it comes to things happening around me, I am still enduring them 3 years after exiting my abuse trap. This is part of what makes me so undesirable to be "friends" with. You may laugh or shake your head, but it is true... it is not easy to be my friend. My friends will be kind but they know it is true. No one likes to see or hear their friend in pain. And that is EXACTLY what I come with, more pain than most believe. People have insinuated, I over embellish when I talk about my life - I am so glad to have proof that this has been real. I feel like I constantly have to validate everything. Prove this, show evidence of that... say it repeatedly, now backwards.. dance pony, FUCKING DANCE!! Speaking of proving shit. I got a call a few hours ago having to do that, and I need to print some shit out proving more stuff so I can turn it in. I have little people crawling through every orifice of my life. No real privacy ever... that is serious!


Now, especially since I have so many "locations". I am all over the place.


I was not really trying to make any specific points with this. Just an update. I am still going through too much shit for one person. I am still intense as fuck. I am still alone and plan on staying that way. I am learning more and more about myself every day. Like crazy stuff I am still trying to wrap my head around. I still have millions of appointments with loads of mental and physical health specialists. I am still grieving loss. Not much has changed but SO MUCH has changed.


I don't usually get the chance to take time for an extra post here. I figured it would be a good time to do something different.


I need to stop typing.


See ya.. 💚



28 views6 comments

Recent Posts

See All

6 Comments


An I always respect your boundaries and making sure good vibes is flowing within so it glows out into butterfly 🦋 smiles letting you know that you have been heard 💖😊🌻

Like
Replying to

You're awesome!!! You always do make sure good vibes are in effect!

Like

You are a Great writer. I LOVE YOU MY BEAUTIFUL FRIEND. YOU KICK ASS.

Like
Replying to

Thank you!!!! I felt like I lost myself for a bit during the process.. I do like to write ✍️ 😌

Like

Mr blue
Mr blue
Apr 09

wow that was very powerful writing ✍️ Heather excellent work and informative and interesting and intelligently thought out.

Like
Replying to

Thank youuu!!!!!! 😊

Like
bottom of page